I just ccan't stop tinking about him. I thought about the box of ccondoms, I thought about the Inn. I thought about the nap we took together at my paren'ts house on the ccouch. I think about his eyes...well eye. I can't sleep now. I think about how he doesn't care about me enough to call or email. His confidence. How sexy I found him. being in his truck with his hand on my leg. his truck.
all the things that make me miss him.
but the truth is that there were enough bad things that I'm not thinking about, enough to make me not want to be with him anyway.
like the attitude. the spoiled attitude he had, and when his father bought him expensive shit when he should be taking ccare of his daughter. the fact that he shoots guns...lame. he fact that I was okay with it when it's not anywhere near my level of morals to play with guns. how I changed who I was for him. how I couldn't share anything with him and et supprt in return. How he argued over things that didn't matter, and that he was wrong about. How he never came up here to see me. Only in the beginning.
I keep thinking since the beginning was so wonderful, did I do something? it must've been me. I chnaged just like he did. we really weren't a good match. I knew this from the start but I went head first into it anyway, because I wanted to be in a relationship so badly. It was stupid to think, after all he said about wanting to stay in Bennington, that he would make an effort to be closer to me. or visit me more often when he had the Inn to take ccare of.
And now he's going to be going to jail for a little while, do I really want to be with someone like that? nope. no no no. I want someone who stays out of trouble. I mean, look at Dan, he trafficked drugs, and plays with guns, and probably beat that shar-pei of his. He never sees his mother, and only wants money from her since his grandfather died...what a fuckbag. He was an asshole the day after the storm, too. He would've treated Tobi unfairly...look at how he spoiled his daughter but never did ONE thing for Tobi. FUCK HIM. And he didn't even appreciate how awesome Tobi is. He never spent any time with him. nothing.
They hardly even spoke. Poor Tobi I wish I hadn't put him through that, I wish I hadn't put myself through that. all to be loved. by someone who is totally unworthy of all the awesome things I did for him. Wasted effort, and paper and art. Silly of me to think he would appreciate it anyway! what a dick.
ok I feel better now thinking about all this and realizing there was nothing there to begin with. I take responsibility for getting involved in that. It was a mistake that I've learned from. Now to utilize the knowledge.
I was asssertive last night with the "Teri's Bitch" boy downstairs. I need to do that more often. Just face my fears...I have been doing it more often, actually. And it feels more empowering than being angry. I actually get what I want out of the situation and nobody ends up judging me wrongly.
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